Now that I have your attention… I recently had conversations with no fewer than three separate female Western expats who are living in China or have lived there in the past, and I was struck by one theme that each of them brought up: the difficulty that Western women have dating Chinese men, in sharp contrast to the infamous ease with which Western men date Chinese women.
Again, the scenario each of these friends shared was remarkably similar. Each described her love life in Asia as highly wanting, and each had more or less the same explanation, namely that Asian men in general and Chinese men in particular seem to be afraid of Western women and unwilling to take the risk of asking them out for a date. Two of them said they felt it had to do with the “feminine side” of Chinese men, and the third, when I mentioned this to her, embraced it as truth.
So what does that mean? First, this isn’t in anyway a put-down, especially since I find that guys who acknowledge their “feminine side” are way more interesting than their Marlboro Man counterparts who swagger and go to great lengths to appear muy macho.
The argument boiled down to this: American men tend to act out their masculinity in a distinct way. They are forthright, uninhibited, hide their fears and nervousness, come across as strong and dominant – and for whatever reasons, these seem to be traits that Chinese women find alluring. Or at least enough of them to keep Western men in China very busy. The same in the gay scene: Most Chinese gay guys seem to be attracted to Western guys who exude the same machismo, and they automatically typecast themselves in the female role. No, not sexually (necessarily) but in terms of expecting to be the one to “take care of their man,” keeping the place clean and making dinner for him, etc.
But alas, it seems the female expats don’t have it as easy. “Chinese men have a strong feminine side compared to American men’s omnipresent masculine side,” one of them told me. “That makes them afraid of women they perceive to be strong-willed. They see that strength as a masculine trait, and they see it in Western women, which is why you so rarely see native Chinese guys here dating Western women.” Ironically, she said, it is exactly this trait that attracts Asian women (and gays) to Western men, while turning off Asian men to Western women.
I’m not saying any of this is absolutely true, but I did find it interesting food for thought. Watching the body language of the guys here – the way they walk, the way they carry themselves, thy way they hold their bag (most macho Americans wouldn’t be caught dead holding a bag, but nearly all men here carry something not unakin to a purse), the way they cross their legs – well, it’s just very different from the he-man American style that we oafish Westerners seem intent on displaying.
So are Chinese men really more effeminate? Or are Western men just more obsessed with camouflaging and denying their feminine side? Whatever the answer, it’s too bad the victims have to be nice Western females looking for companionship.
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