We all have our favorite opening lines from our favorite books. This is mine:
A destiny that leads the English to the Dutch is strange enough; but one that leads from Epsom into Pennsylvania, and thence into the hills that shut in Altamont over the proud coral cry of the cock, and the soft stone smile of an angel, is touched by that dark miracle of chance which makes new magic in a dusty world.
Each of us is all the sums he has not counted: subtract us into nakedness and night again, and you shall see begin in Crete four thousand years ago the love that ended yesterday in Texas.
The seed of our destruction will blossom in the desert, the alexin of our cure grows by a mountain rock, and our lives are haunted by a Georgia slattern, because a London cut-purse went unhung. Each moment is the fruit of forty thousand years. The minute-winning days, like flies, buzz home to death, and every moment is a window
on all time.
Thomas Wolfe, Look Homeward, Angel
For the past few weeks, hardly a day has gone by when I didn’t think of these lines, especially the part about the London cut purse, a rich symbol of the quirkiness of fate. I was talking many months ago with one of the founders of Talk Talk China, who told me how an unexpected phone call transported him from his world in America to his new world in Asia, and how he had no idea how much that phone call would alter literally every aspect of his life. Those little moments that at the time seem not so extraordinary, that then change everything. This was a moment:
I met my Chinese teacher at a local Starbucks for our daily lesson a month ago, and as we were finishing up the phone began to ring. Not wanting to be interrupted, I let it go. A few minutes later, when I was alone on the street a text message appeared from my colleague in Beijing: “Richard, can you get to Beijing immediately? This is urgent.” Why it was urgent and what it was about isn’t really relevant and I can’t go into that for the sake of my company’s privacy. Let’s just say I didn’t think too much of it; it wasn’t the first time I’d been asked to drop everything and travel. I was excited to be invited to spend a few days in Beijing, and within a few hours I had my ticket in hand.
About three weeks ago I wrote to two readers of this blog about what a sad trip it was. This was when I got sick and could scarcely walk. When the weekend came, I couldn’t get out of bed. I wrote to these people about how alone I felt in Beijing, even though I have so many friends there. When you are sick, you don’t want to bother your friends; that’s what family is for. Never did I miss my family as I did that week. Never did I so want to leave Asia and just go back to the safety and warmth of my own home, my own bed, my own cats and family. It was then that I decided it was time for me to leave Asia and go home for good.
For a couple of weeks I was intent on going home and was making the necessary plans. But fate plays tricks. Suffice it to say that as a result of the meetings I flew up for, I was made an offer I couldn’t refuse: to return to Beijing to work on a most important project. Slowly, bit by bit, the plans solidified, approvals came by email and by phone, and suddenly it appeared that I had a whole new life mapped out. I felt deeply conflicted. The recent memories of my weekend in Beijing drove home to me how harsh that city can feel when you’re down and out. The lure of all that I have in America is as strong now as it was a month ago, when I decided I had to go home. But suddenly the deck was rearranged, and I felt there was no choice whatsoever: this was literally a dream opportunity and I couldn’t say no.
Conflicted, but also certain. That’s how I feel. I’ll be moving back in less than four weeks and the whole situation has an almost dream-like quality. When I explained the situation to my family, they understood, and agreed I had to do it. This wasn’t what I expected. I was certain the next stop would be Shanghai and then home. Four weeks ago, i was ready to skip Shanghai altogether and just get back to my loved ones. And now, my reality is something very different. I have to buy a winter coat and gloves. I have to stock up on chapstix and facial moisturizers, and prepare psychologically for dealing once again with Beijing’s ruthless January cold.
For all the jokes we make about Beijing’s weather, it’s actually a very serious issue for me. It’s not by accident that I own a house in Phoenix, Arizona. In 1984, O’Brien explains to Winston how each of us has his one huge fear. For Winston, it was rats. For me, it is the cold. I can deal with it, but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a major source of anxiety for me at the moment. It’s nearly all I can think about – the joy of the opportunity tempered by the fact that the last time I lived in Beijing, the cold made me miserable. The one difference this time is that unlike then, I now have friends, even a small community, in Beijing. Back then I had no one – or practically no one – and nothing made the loneliness more intense and nasty than those slicing winds and frozen fingers.
Still, I am optimistic, even thrilled. I’ve always wanted to go back, and I’ll be doing the kind of work I love most and working with people I know and trust. So this is it. I’m moving back to China. It’s finally approved and on paper, and I haven’t felt this excited in many months, despite the doubts and fears and memories. Ever since I left I was dying to get back for reasons I still can’t fully fathom. My last few times in Beijing (aside from my days in bed last month) were among the happiest trips of my life, and each time I felt the city’s mysterious appeal wooing me. And now I am going back. In just a month, once again I will truly be The Peking Duck. I am still in shock and amazement. It hasn’t penetrated 100 percent.
To those of you who I love so much in China’s capital, all I can say is I can’t wait to see you again, this time as a resident and not a visitor. Quirks of fate…unexpected phone calls….those are the things that life is all about. Actually they are the rule more than the exception. Life is full of these unexpected twists and turns; maybe life is simply a series of unexpecteds. (Sorry for all the armchair philosophising; I’m in a very contemplative mood.)
I’ll need help; I need to find a place to live. I have to get reacquainted with a vast metropolis that has changed like a chameleon since I lived there three years ago. I’ll also have to learn simplified characters after spending 12 painstaking months studying traditional Chinese. So I’m nervous as all hell while at the same time feeling totally high. I’ll see you all very soon. I’m taking a much-needed three week vacation back to America, leaving next weekend. When I get back to Taipei I’ll have just two or three days to gather my stuff and catch a flight to Beijing, and to a new life. I’ll be recording every step of my new journey here.
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